“I’m not hysterical, I’m homicidal.”

That might be mildly inaccurate to what was actually said, but yes, someone really did say something like that in this movie.

If you’ve already seen the trailers, you’re good to read this review. If you haven’t though, consider mild spoilers.

I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised by yet another generic and honestly bad Jurassic Park movie, but I really had high hopes for this one. It had such a killer concept - researchers looking to cure a disease by going to an island full of dinosaurs too dangerous for the original Jurassic Park. Just that had me intrigued. On top of that though, the original writer was returning for this one, and Gareth Edwards, a film director I really like, was directing.

I have quite a lot to say about Jurassic World Rebirth, so let’s start with the good. Per usual in this franchise, the production is really high quality. The sound effects were so good that at times I really felt like I was almost there. The visual effects are yet again really good too. Also with Gareth Edwards I was expecting a really good looking movie and it definitely delivered on that too. The cinematography and color grading especially are extremely cinematic and well done.

There are also several standout sequences throughout the maybe a little bloated runtime. The one that stood out to me was the one involving an inflatable raft and a certain dinosaur. The new dinosaur introduced at the end was wickedly cool too. It looked like a Xenomorph and a random large dinosaur had a baby (don’t ask me how that would happen).

Sadly, that’s really where my positives end. All of the movies in this franchise have really cool concepts, but most didn’t deliver on them. Unfortunately this was one of them. With an island full of dinosaurs too dangerous for the original park, you’d think this movie would be thrilling as all could be but it really isn’t. There are dinosaurs all over the place from the time before they even get to the island, meaning there is no buildup of tension at all. If they had stuck to buildup akin to movies like Jaws and the original Jurassic Park, I think this movie would have worked a dozen times better.

The characters are super bland and shallow as well with the only standout to me being the scientist played by Jonathan Bailey. It tries to give backstory to some other characters through dialogue (telling not showing), but I didn’t find that compelling at all.

For some reason the writers decided to add in a family subplot that serves the story no purpose at all. Outside of the one standout sequence I mentioned earlier (which could have easily happened with characters that were actually important), every time the movie cut back to them I was instantly taken out.

To not make this review any longer than it already is, I’ll touch on my other smaller criticisms briefly. There is a bunch of attempted humor and I am not exaggerating when I say that literally none of it lands. Even my theater was dead silent at pretty much all of the comedy bits. It was almost kind of cringe. The pacing was bad as well as it felt really long too, probably because of the family subplot.

Also, why does almost every Jurassic Park movie have to include an unbearable character that you can’t wait to see get eaten by a dinosaur?

I feel really bad saying this, but the best part of this movie was the exclusive trailer that played right before it started.

As Luke Skywalker once said, “It’s time for the Jurassic Park franchise… to end.”